Ramblings

it gets worse

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 07:28:47 GMT

Life sucks and I am really loathing myself. Dont get me wrong, I do have some self esteem and self worth, its just buried pretty deep right now.... I have enough to know that I shouldnt be here mentally and that I need to get better.

More gratitude
I have my eyesight, I can still read (my favorite thing to do)
I can make changes in my life--see a counselor, exercise, NOT SMOKE
My boys are healthy and hopefully happy.... I love them so freeking much.
I am grateful that I am alive today.

gratitude

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:51:41 GMT

Feeling really shitty right now.......called to make an appt for therapy (possibly), can people be too smart for therapy? I think I am, I think I know everything and what to do and then dont do it....
so anyways what I should do now is be grateful

I am grateful for my health.....
I am grateful that I am not smoking...
I am grateful that I have friends....

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:02:48 GMT

Taking the day off..........my brother and his gal were supposed to get married today so I asked for thi s day off in October.........well its not happening at this point (poor planning?) and so I made the decision to keep the day off and just hang out by myself while D is at work and the kids at school.......they probably need me at work, but they also need to get used to not having me pick up their slack.
I am going to try and get my sylabus and get a my digital pictures organized, maybe watch some True Blood.... I borrowed season 1 from the library and really should get through it.

I have seriously gained weight since quitting smoking.....about a lb a day! It is really bothering me, but I havent really tried to stop the eating problem....I need to step up my exercise for sure.

christmas party

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:38:20 GMT

So last night the family went to D's bosses house for a christmas party.........very very nice home.... He shuttled us from the road down through the driveway to his home. He lives on a hill in the woods and we actually parked ON the road because it didnt go much further than his driveway. Very very nice......two hot tubs (one inside and one out with the pool) and thats not counting the humoungus jacuzzi in their bedroom under the sky lights. From his bedroom, his view looks down over ALL of the town...they can see the lights of the stadiums...

Very very nice people as well, TONS of food and drinks(of course, what would christmas be without cheer lol) The boys spent most of their time in the game room, and I hovered around the food and was D's shadow for most of the night. I did hold my own with some of the doctors (since some ARE actually interested in what I do)... Most of the gals that work with D are stuck up (and not all that) Its funny, that I actually had more conversation with the doctors and the "higher up" people than with what on a glance I would call my "peers".

Didnt sleep again last night, neither did D........dont know which of us was keeping the other awake or we are just going slowly mad. Tired again... am probably going to do nothing more ambitious than grocery shop, knit and watch hockey today.

happy saturday

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 17:21:39 GMT

so, we went to the casino last night.........for having only 5 days of not smoking, it is a hard place to be.... got through it, texted Anna a little bit for encouragement. D was being a jerk. He has had crazy mood swings (I am hoping its just the nicotine withdrawl) and its very hard to stay pleasant around him, mostly I get depressed and down on myself.

Today I am baking cookies, we are going to D's bosses home for their office holiday party. That's going to be another fun situation. Not knowing anyone except his boss and D and my kids.... My plan is to stick next to the boys as much as I can... D's boss is going to somewhat be my boss in a part time capacity. He owns the clinic D works at and is also the director of the medical assisting program at the community college. He is the one that asked me to teach Basic Coding next term and spring term.... I am hoping this works out well. I think it will be fun (and a lot of hard work) to teach in addition to my regular job, not to mention a feather in my resume cap and the extra money will be nice to put on my old debt.

well, i better get baking.....

I am a quitter

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:55:16 GMT

I have quit smoking.....AGAIN! Soon I will be @ 48 hours smoke free and I feel worse today thank I did yesterday........I hear that tomorrow will be even worse.........grrrr

tired tired

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 14:08:13 GMT

Waiting for my coffee..........starting this day without nicotine. woke every hour last night. and the night before i got very very little sleep as well.
Have meetings with three doctors today and really need to work some overtime this week on top of that.

Today I am grateful for:
another day alive
a roof over my head
the coffee I am about to injest
peppermint mocha creamer---yum yum, why does it have to be seasonal??

attitude of gratitude

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:37:11 GMT

So wow, I guess I need to express myself a little.... I have figured out I need to have a gratitude list every day instead of only when I feel bad. So, am hoping I can stick to this...

Grateful for socks....they keep my feet warm....
grateful for my kids,duh, love them bunches and am so proud of them--also so scared that I will somehow mess them up and not do the right thing......so far they are great boys and basically well behaved. (boys shouldnt be completely right?)
grateful that I am willing to change myself -- guess I should write about it, but not trying to be negative right now.
grateful that I have a good job, and a chance at a second job teaching.....scared but happy about the opportunity.
grateful to be loved.

Going to Petty!!

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:09:51 GMT

Damn, I'm excited!! Just bought tix for the Heartbreakers @ the Gorge!!

hmm

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:54:23 GMT

Haven't been too social lately, online or otherwise.... Still loving my married life :) Got the greatest husband EVER!! LOL of course he's human and has his faults, so do I.
Work's been good, I've been kicking ass and staying current with all my clinics except one, but am hoping to drop them as soon as my boss gets back next week. They are wanting me to code office visits only, for one, we aren't supposed to do the E&M coding primarily for any of our clinics, for another, if they have another coder doing the surgeries but not inputing them into the system, I have no idea about the global periods. I could guess, from the surgery notes, but guessing is not what I get paid for. They are just a pain in the ass as they are on the coast, run another system, and my only real communication with them is through fax and email. Yuck.
Still playing some serious MonsterHunter on my PSP, am ADDICTED.
Well guess I better get cracking, @ work and have (gasp!) stuff to do.

feeling fabulous

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:42:54 GMT

Glad the holidays are over! And SUPERGLAD that end of year is over!!!!! It's been extremely stressful, and now work is a scramble trying to stay busy.
Gabe starts basketball in a new league next week...He'll have a 90 minute practice once a week and games on saturday mornings. He's finally starting the Harry Potter books, he's on the first. Chase is now on the seventh. It's nice to pass on my love of reading to them. Dustin got me the boxed set of books in hardcover, they are in a box that looks like a trunk for Hogwarts. VERY awesome! I've got such a thoughtful guy, he's always surprising me stuff like that, last week he got me a new coffeepot, even though the one at home was functional, this one has all the features I really wanted.
Had dinner with Mick n Bridg last weekend, went to Kyoto, loved it! Then back to their house for boardgames. Bridg loves the whole married couple hanging out thing. Haven't been out dancing lately, but the way the season's been, I've just wanted to crash and chill with the family all weekend. Totally been missing the social scene though. I think that's why Dustin agreed to hang with them, even though he hates the "adult crap" like that. He knows I need it, just as I know he needs the whole geekfest PSP parties with his friends (all of whom still live at home with no girlfriends).
Of course, I am hooked on Monster Hunter Freedom 2!!! Can't believe I'm playing video games, AND getting quite decent at it (if I do say so myself)
Tonight, I'm running up with Robin to Portland so we can pick up our dresses. So glad I prepaid for it. At least she let me pick out my own maid of honor thing and letting me style myself.
Well, back to work I guess.

end of year YEAH!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 18:09:50 GMT

Just wasting some time here @ work, half our team hasn't shown up, and there's no work....of course not, we worked the weekend. ugh. Am feeling very tired, my husband said he didn't sleep well last night, wonder if it affected me.
Had a great christmas and new years......spent time @ home, chilling, eating, watching futurama and family guy. OH! Finally watched Hedwid and the Angry Inch..........interesting is all I'll say.
I joined a gym that's 3 blocks from my house. Yesterday I rode 5 miles, and when I told Dustin, he replied "and you drove three blocks to do it" Well, yeah, when the weather is nicer, I plan on walking. We went to see I Am Legend, took the boys......was pretty decent.
Not much is going on, sent out the flyers for Menucha today, still have to get on the bank account so I can write checks to the retreat center. fun fun stuff.
I got 4 surgeries to do, so I better get going.

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:52:30 GMT

What's new with me? hmm not really much...work is fabulous Am enjoying doing the general surgeries, NOT enjoying the stress of it being december...we have two more weeks till the end of the year, and everyday we get closer the pressure goes up just a little bit...I could elaborate on the various personality glitches of my coworkers, but honestly that would just be bitchn and not really productive.

The kids are doing ok, Gabe has a broken nose, got it in basketball (where else?) and I really need to make a followup appt for him to see his regular doctor to determine if anything needs to be done. Also I want him to have a stress test done, as he told Dustin he's experiencing chest pain during the game. I had him checked out with an EKG and by a cardiologist last spring and he was cleared for sports, but the doctor did say to have him seen again for shortness of breath or anything like that. I'm hoping he's ok and its reflux, but I have to be sure. Chase is chase. Super great kid. Into reading and drawing, no drama with him yet, I'm sure that will come soon enough with the discovery of girls.

No plans for the holidays, and seriously, that's how I want it. Work is super crazy now, and its mandatory to come in xmas eve and the sat after I'm just going to be WIPED out! This will be my first end of year doing surgeries and I KNOW I will be slammed, because that's what that clinic does. I want to sleep in christmas day and do nothing!

Just found out

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:22:53 GMT

That I will be working saturday the 29th and sunday the 30th for yearend close. YEEEEAH! Man, am I gonna be tired...
It's gotta be done, Saturday I will be performing my job and sunday will be helping to enter the charges. Promises were made to doctors and so we will carry on.
Got my christmas present this weekend though. Dustin got me my very own PSP, so once he gets his, we can link up and play monsterhunter freedom 2. I'm stoked! Right now I'm using it as the most bitching mp3 playa at work. Everyone's jealous....I also found out that our company does have wi fi in our building.....so maybe we can lunch together too :)
Anyways, its a crazy monday, had to do friday's work this morning as Chase was throwing up and I had to care for him....have quite a bit of surgery to get done now.

can I stop spinning??

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:14:23 GMT

I just ordered Dustin a PSP bundle with games that he likes for christmas, I got him exactly what he wanted...........here's the hitch, I forgot to get my 10% discount (like he asked me to) and I forgot to get it shipped to his work (like he asked me to) So basically, its costing about $50 more than if I had followed what he asked........it was a mistake, clicking through things too fast and a costly one..........
This is a problem, only because I feel like I keep making mistakes, and slipping in his esteem....I don't want to get into the codependent always trying to please and prove myself to him. But damn! our relationship needs some good times or something...... Sunday he reamed me for smoking behind his back (my sponsor's with him on that....liar, liar i am) HE calls it me sabatoging.........
anyways...the PSP
Whatever the cost is, its what I would've paid because I wanted to get it to him....BUT now I hear the resignation in his voice, disappointment "this is why I wish you would listen to me better"

But the strong part of me wants to say, "HEY, you're getting exactly what you want for christmas, dont have to wait for it, and I LOVE YOU (which is the point of the gift) so dont judge me!

Just applied for a supervisory position at work, not thinking I will get it, but also thinking I should put my hat in the ring for 4 dollars more an hour.

Meeting Cyn at the bean tonight, taking the kids so they can have cocoa...she says I need more meetings, i agree.

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 21:03:13 GMT

Am still loving being married, although its a shitty time right now....I took a chunk out of his mohawk the last time I did his hair and so he shaved it all in his anger....I know that he's upset, justifiably so, am trying to tread lightly and give him his space about it (this is fresh, just yesterday) but I also let him know that its ok to not like me right now, but not ok to talk mean to me. It was a mistake, a rather big fuckup to be sure but still a mistake. I'm sick about it....I LOVED his mohawk, and its a huge part of his identity, so whatever I feel, I know he's feeling worse.
Gabe did well in bball yesterday, some great passing, hustle, and shots. I really want to work with him outside of practise.
Tomorrow am going to the Ozzie and Zombie concert with Dustin, got him the tickets for a wedding present. I hope that he will be ok with me enough for us to have a good time. He has poker tonight, so that will be a breather between us.
Work is slow, wish I had more to do...oh well, friday I will have lots of work since I'm taking the day after the concert off. fun fun

update for the sake of it

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:11:07 GMT

Am loving being married...........we did it the day I picked him up from the airport....8/21!! Just straight from alaska to the courthouse :)
It's awesome, I'll get some pics up soon.........we had a small party in september to let the friends bring us presents and eat cake.
I've really learned that support comes from the strangest places, and that you can't count on what you think you can.
I love my husband, and he loves me AND my boys. We got the paperwork to legally change their names...They love having a dad that's involved, even if he rides them hard and is strict, he's also there at the basketball practises with the thumbs up.
Gabe started bball again, this time he's got some athletic coaches, I hope he listens and learns.
Chase is finally into the Harry Potter series, he's on book 4. Its so awesome to see them grow.
Work is good......I'm finally doing surgeries full time. It was a stressfull period about a month or so back, but things are going smooth again. What I don't know, I'll learn.
I went and spoke on a panel last month for the community college...that is always fun, I wish I could be a professional speaker sometimes, maybe someday, of course I learned while Dustin was in alaska that I don't want to travel too much for business.....I love my home life, I like being settled, I'm not restless anymore.
Life is good, I've got a lot to be grateful for

monday monday

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:55:47 GMT

Ok the only thing NOT wrong with this day, is that I have tomorrow off and I'm picking D up from the airport!! wooohooooo!! Am totally stoked to see him. But there is so much drama @ work.........of course, we're all women! and for some reason, I'm in the middle....no I'm not the cause, or affected by it, just there.........I'm staying out of it, its just everyone wants my ear and my head.......All I'm giving is my heart....I'm trying to be compassionate and not voice any opinion at all, but its crazy just setting up lunch.....GAWD I wish I brought a book and could run to the hospital by myself!
My blood sugar dropped rapidly before break....and I just sit in my cubie, sweating and rambling on and on...Now I'm bundled up with my blankie (after sucking down a caramel javakula yummm) I'm freezing, and will be offkilter for the rest of the day....
My leg hurts really bad......had physical therapy on friday and did some pilates this weekend.....I keep thinking its getting better and I hope that it will...

rolloer coaster ride

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 18:47:43 GMT

of emotions...........this last week I have been a huge bummer........I have missed D so much, been stressed @ work and @ home, PMSing...........grrr.
Well, the countdown is 5 days till I pick him up, work is settling down (or I'm just not giving a shit anymore) One of these days, I'll actually go on a rant!
I had a friend over for dinner last night, and actually did some pilates before bed........that helped. Another friend is coming tonight with her two toddlers, so I wont even begin to feel lonely.
I just got to get out of myself.......working on it, and its working on me.LOL
Back to work for me though

my new TAT

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:39:53 GMT

Damn isnt it cute???? So I changed my default to show my "queen" Yes, I AM the queen bee! I am so loving it. Went to get it saturday, had it designed by the artist, am totally going to him for my future tats. D took this pic right after it was done, so the coloring I'm sure is a bit off. Its rather large for a first tattoo, but I am thinking its the largest I'll do. Its me though, totally.
D took me out for my birthday this weekend as he's leaving the day before the actual day. So amazing, surprised me with my HP figurines for my desk, gift card for borders, and two CDs I asked for when he was trying to trip me up about the gift....Velvet Revolver and Smashing Pumpkins.....
I am sooo spoiled and I love it... Because really in the end, I'd do what I can for him too. He doesn't know it but I plan on paying for the Rockfest tickets....we're going just a few days after he returns from Alaska.
But I get spoiled in other ways....work was incredibly stressful last week, and friday he took me straight to bed, and spooned me so I could relax and he basically was there to listen to my rants.
He is very deliberate about what he does for me...Sometimes its hard because I know that he is ONLY doing it for me, and that doesn't sit well, but my brain kicks in and says, well isnt THAT love? That maybe he isnt into spooning and cuddling, but he knows I am, and does it for me? He wants me happy....if only I could give him the same.

jealous?

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 21:41:24 GMT

A question asked on breaks with friends here at work......to which I say No. My life is good, decent, average, fulfilling, exciting, dull, compelling.........
I can breathe in my life....
Dustin may be going to Alaska for 3 weeks next month for work.. He is actually considering not going because he would have to leave a few days before my birthday....what a sweet guy, but seriously what an experience for him...He would be training, kingshit (as he knows he is) In a lot of ways, I want this for him...I am going to miss him... I told him that I better review my cell plan, but he said it would probably be 12-16 hour days..........ugh!
Anyways things are good at home....Domesticly and as parents we balance each other out. I am learning to let go and be more open....TRUST.
Sometimes I am still dazzled by the fact that he wants me AND the kids FOREVER..but mostly I remember that I can breathe....I actually slow down and keep things simple with him.

ummm hey hey

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 19:52:18 GMT

Sitting @ work, just had a stand up that was all about accounts recievables, sometimes I really feel like our department isn't a part of the larger department here...like I could be outsourcing from home and it would be the same....
I totally appreciate working with other coders because the combined brain power is awesome and I dont want to isolate. Gawd, what would my life be like if I worked from home??????? SMALL
not a good idea.
Been getting to more meetings, that's always a good thing for me. Meeting with Cyn at the Bean tomorrow nite, we'll see how that goes....I know she's a little torked that I got engaged without telling her that I was even in a relationship, but hey it was practically in and committed.

Cant wait for OOTP! Think we are going friday nite or a saturday matinee WOOOOHOOOO

am still kicking

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:24:32 GMT

Havent really posted........obvious. Quick update........my boys are back in town, this weekend!! I'm excited to see them, disappointed that my mom and her husband didnt come through (but am trying to understand their situation)
I'm engaged. Happened rather quick, but sometimes these things do. I can breathe with this person....can really just breathe....He's ready to be a dad, consider the boys his. We're a family, immediately but there it is.
Work is slowing down for the summer. Got somewhat a let down when HR decided to not recognize that I (on my own) earned specialty credentials....oh well....I am still grateful to have a job I love and I know that if I ever start not loving it, my resume will be that more awesomer!
I have 6 years of not taking a drink, and 2 years of not smoking cigarettes.......was very tempted on the 4th because the boys (D's friends) all busted out with cigars, but was a good girl.

Well I gotta get to work........

Sun, 27 May 2007 17:36:48 GMT

Ummm things are a changin' yeah. So for an update...my gram died (was a good thing) a few days before I went to the Gorge for my annual women's retreat. My mom's been hit hardest and all I can do is call her and listen. I've been trying to do that daily. Went ahead and went up north for the weekend....was ok, I didnt take any pics except a couple with my phone....most of my walks were impromptu and I only had my phone (does it ever leave my side??) plus with my hip pain I didnt do any hiking or longer walks (that was a bummer!)

So back at home and settling this week. The balance has shifted and we're all adjusting (not a bad thing, just different) Trying really to be present with the boys this 3 day weekend....Soon they will be gone for the summer and I will miss them instead of "git offa me!" So its hoops and boarding with the additional yard work and car washing they need to do.

I dont have a diagnosis on my hip yet, will probably have to have an mri, I am seriously hoping for a strain (cross your fingers and toes)

Mon, 21 May 2007 19:23:50 GMT

Have returned to work......am still feeling blah to sad on the pendulum.
I'm really trying for my mom, I call her everyday just to say hi, I'm hoping this helps. Its really nice being someone that "shows up"

The weekend was great.........spiritual sober retreat with women... caught up a bit with Cyn, she didnt know anything about D. She gave me the advice of no relationships for a year and I was completely with her one hundred percent, because I truly felt (and still feel a bit) that the reason B and I didnt work was that I couldnt commit, compromise, care compassionately enough...I felt like I was still behind the wall even if I took of the mask....not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but myself. I dont know. Every single particle in me was intent on being alone, for one, I absolutely LOVE being single! for two, I'm just a horrible person in relationships...Well, so... now I'm with someone committing (something help me!), compromising....

Coming back to work was nice. The team really made an effort on my desk. I did not have a bunch of stuff to go through, am not feeling any pressure, in fact quite relaxed about my work load. I have an awesome job, with an awesome boss, and awesome coworkers.

I have a lot to be grateful for!